I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
