What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
