ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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