Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
