forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
