My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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