i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
