just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
