Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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