meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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