I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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