twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
