I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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