I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I need moral support for this bender
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
