i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
