apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
