The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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