Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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