He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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