I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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