Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
