He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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