brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
