when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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