So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
