I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
