i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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