i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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