I didn't shave. On purpose
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
