We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
