It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
