my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
