he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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