tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
