she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
