My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
