i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
