By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
