I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
