I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize