booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
