Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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