I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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