i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
