So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
