Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
