It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize