yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
