she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i think my cat just said my name.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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