My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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