My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
