sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
