the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize