I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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