In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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