I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize