I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
