then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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